| Wednesday, May 11, 2005 |
| Another day in Paradise |
My second greatest fear is for anyone to know that I own a thesaurus;
number one is that I should write in a manner that would
lead someone to this conclusion.
I find it necessary to keep a list of my shortcomings and
fears because they are so fucking easy to forget. If I don’t
catch myself, I end up riding the streets; flawless and fearless,
a perfect way to get killed.
A new one, near the top of the list, is the fear that I
should be mistaken for one of the swells. I just took a
job at Duke. Well, two jobs, actually. One pays the bills,
one inflates my resume, and neither one of them
anyone but me would be qualified for. I do everything
I can to avoid the stink of respect that will eventually
leach out of the ugliest pretty people you are likely
meet.
I walk around with dirty pants, frowning. I eat lunch,
and I don’t hear the tittering that I’d like. I interact with
the people I like, but I get these looks. Its like people
are listening to what I have to say, wanting to help
me, do things for me. I hate it.
I was weaned on ambivalence, cut my teeth on
animosity, made a career of aversion.
I am not used to this behavior. I want it to stop. I want people I like to like me
because I am fun to be around, not because I can do stuff for them, or better
yet, just not like me at all.
That would be fine.
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